{"id":7753,"date":"2025-12-18T08:56:54","date_gmt":"2025-12-18T07:56:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bettina-bonkas.com\/?p=7753"},"modified":"2026-02-13T12:11:25","modified_gmt":"2026-02-13T11:11:25","slug":"veraenderung-braucht-zeit-eine-geschichte-ueber-alte-muster-und-neue-wege","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bettina-bonkas.com\/en\/veraenderung-braucht-zeit-eine-geschichte-ueber-alte-muster-und-neue-wege.html","title":{"rendered":"(Deutsch) Ver\u00e4nderung braucht Zeit – Eine Geschichte \u00fcber alte Muster und neue Wege"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

\"Schneebedeckte<\/p>\n

Change Takes Time<\/strong><\/span>
A story about old patterns and new paths<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n

Change takes time \u2013 a story about old patterns and new paths:
Change does not always happen with a bang. More often, it begins quietly \u2013 in conversations, in moments of pause, in encounters that touch us more deeply than we expect. Old patterns develop over decades. They once protected us, gave us stability and direction. But at some point, they no longer fit the person we have become, and it is time for new paths \u2013 time to rewrite our story.<\/p>\n

This story is about exactly such transformations. About imprints from childhood, unrecognised relationship patterns, the desire to please others \u2013 and about how difficult it can sometimes be to take one\u2019s own place. And it tells of the fact that real change takes time: patience, honest conversations and the courage to take new steps.<\/p>\n

I would like to introduce you to Ben \u2013 from my Martha & Alva<\/em> series. Look forward to a continuation that shows:<\/p>\n

Change takes time<\/strong><\/span>
A story about old patterns and new paths \u2013 by Bettina Bonkas<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Martha was full of anticipation. It was time again \u2013 she was on her way to see Alva.<\/p>\n

Had it really been three years since she had gone away on a spontaneous short trip back then? That was how she had met Alva, her hostess. 2022 was the year she separated from Bj\u00f6rn after he had cheated on her. Deeply hurt and humiliated, she had arrived at Alva\u2019s \u2013 and returned home strengthened and with a new friend.<\/p>\n

Relationship-wise, 2023 had been quiet, but work had been all the more stressful. She quickly dismissed any thoughts of changing jobs; after all, the flat still had to be paid off. So many responsibilities \u2013 yet thanks to Alva she had learned to slow down again and again.<\/p>\n

What was happening in the world and in Germany had not left Martha untouched: the wars, the growing loss of humanity in how people treated one another, and the economic situation. At times she felt powerless in the face of it all. All the more important, then, were her meetings with Alva \u2013 encounters that showed that connection was still possible. That conversations could change something. Perhaps not the world at large. But in small ways.<\/p>\n

During the train journey, she kept looking out at the snow-covered landscape. Early winter had dusted everything with icing sugar \u2013 it all looked so peaceful. How beautiful the view from her room over the palace gardens would be. She was looking forward to her morning walks and had already arranged to meet Catalina \u2013 the photographer with that incredible sunshine energy she had met last year.<\/p>\n

With only ten minutes\u2019 delay, the train pulled into Frankfurt Central Station. Now she just had to take the S-Bahn to Bad Homburg. Martha was heading towards the suburban railway when she heard the announcement:<\/p>\n

\u201cAttention, attention: Due to a signal box fault, no S-Bahn services are running today. A rail replacement service is in operation.\u201d<\/p>\n

What?! This couldn\u2019t be happening now: the train was on time, but public transport wasn\u2019t. Deep breath. When Martha saw the crowds waiting for the replacement buses, it was clear: not an option. Another deep breath. These situations still stressed her out. Silly, really.<\/p>\n

She followed the signs to the taxi rank. There was a queue there too, but at least it was manageable. Martha joined it. With half an ear she listened to the man in front of her giving the driver his destination. That was probably the last taxi for now. Damn.<\/p>\n

Hadn\u2019t he just said Bad Homburg?<\/p>\n

She mustered all her courage and spoke to him.
\u201cExcuse me, would you mind if I shared the taxi with you? I\u2019m going to Bad Homburg as well \u2013 we could split the fare. It seems to be the last taxi for the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

She was nervous. Speaking to strangers was really not her thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure, jump in.\u201d He smiled kindly.<\/p>\n

\"Taxi\"<\/p>\n

\n

They stowed their luggage and off they went.<\/p>\n

\u201cBy the way, I\u2019m Ben. And you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMartha. Thanks again for letting me share the taxi with you. It\u2019s complete chaos out there at the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo problem at all. Yes, I noticed \u2013 but with all this luggage, the train wasn\u2019t really an option for me anyway. I\u2019ve just come back from a long business trip.\u201d<\/p>\n

They chatted away, and much sooner than expected they arrived at Alva\u2019s B&B.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo this is Alva\u2019s legendary B&B. I\u2019ve often wondered what the houses by the palace gardens look like inside. You\u2019ll have to send me some photos. Have a lovely time in Bad Homburg.\u201d<\/p>\n

They said their goodbyes \u2013 and the very next moment Martha was standing in front of Alva.<\/p>\n

Welcome back, my darling.<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

\u201cOh, it\u2019s so, so wonderful to be back again.\u201d The two women embraced warmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave your luggage downstairs for now. Would you like your hot chocolate again, my darling?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely! Alva \u2013 you\u2019re positively glowing. Is there any news?\u201d<\/p>\n

Alva smiled. \u201cYes, but I\u2019ll tell you later. First \u2013 how are you? How was the journey?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe journey was relaxing. Not much has changed since the last time we spoke on the phone. But I can tell just by looking at you that you<\/em> have news. Is it something to do with Daniel?\u201d<\/p>\n

Daniel was Alva\u2019s partner from Scotland. He was a musician. At first, Alva had moved to be with him, but she missed Germany and her B&B. Together they found a solution: during his tours she would come back to Germany to run the B&B. And Christmas, of course, was always spent in Germany \u2013 she simply loved the Christmas markets far too much.<\/p>\n

Alva beamed. \u201cI\u2019ve written a book.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo way! You never told me that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we spoke on the phone, I wasn\u2019t even sure I\u2019d finish it. I was completely stuck. But then suddenly I found my flow \u2013 and now it\u2019s done.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, that\u2019s wonderful.\u201d<\/p>\n

“And the best part is: I\u2019ll be giving a reading, and Daniel will accompany me with his music. I\u2019m so happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

The doorbell rang.<\/p>\n

\u201cProbably the post,\u201d said Alva, heading for the door. She didn\u2019t come back alone.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen?\u201d Martha stared at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cUnplanned,\u201d he grinned. \u201cMy heating\u2019s broken. Then I remembered your Alva, and she \u2013 I\u2019m so grateful \u2013 had a room for me. Now I finally get to see what the houses by the palace gardens look like inside. Very cosy!\u201d Ben looked around the kitchen with an approving nod.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you,\u201d Alva smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dears \u2013 hot chocolate, or shall we go out into the palace gardens while it\u2019s still light?\u201d Alva looked at her guests questioningly.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe park!\u201d they both called out at the same time.<\/p>\n

In the palace gardens, Ben started a snowball fight. To Martha\u2019s horror \u2013 but soon she gathered her courage and, together with Alva, they gave him a proper drenching.<\/p>\n

Frozen through but cheerful, they returned to the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cMulled wine?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlva\u2019s mulled wine is legendary \u2013 a family recipe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Glas<\/p>\n

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Conversations<\/span> by the Fire<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

A short while later, they were sitting by the fireplace, wrapped in blankets. Antonia, Alva\u2019s cat, was purring on Ben\u2019s lap.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt feels good to be this carefree.\u201d Yet Ben\u2019s expression was serious.<\/p>\n

Martha looked at Alva questioningly, but Alva made no move to ask anything. Trusting Alva\u2019s unerring instinct for people, she too remained silent.<\/p>\n

Perhaps it was the mulled wine that loosened Ben\u2019s tongue \u2013 and the awareness that there were two people here who were listening to him. Really listening.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy girlfriend broke up with me. Two weeks ago she sent me a message saying:<\/p>\n

\u2018I think you see it the same way, but there\u2019s no point in us anymore. We\u2019ve grown apart. I\u2019ve already cleared my things out of your flat. I left the key with Patrick. Take care.\u2019\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWe were together for five years. No, I didn\u2019t see it that way at all \u2013 I genuinely thought she was the woman I\u2019d marry, maybe even have children with.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben buried his face in his hands. Martha felt desperately sorry for him. But she couldn\u2019t just stroke his back.<\/p>\n

Alva could \u2013 and did.
\n\u201cThat hurts like hell.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben looked up at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho does something like that? Couldn\u2019t she at least have waited until I got back from New York? After five years together, didn\u2019t I deserve to hear it face to face?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked unbelievably hurt.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Alva replied. \u201cYou did deserve that. Anyone would. In situations like this, many people lack courage. And maturity.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt work, I feel secure. Sure, it\u2019s stressful too, but I know how to handle that. In relationships, though, I\u2019m insecure. My father left my mum. That was really hard for her, being alone with a small child. When she found a new partner, I was so happy for her. We became a really good blended family.”<\/p>\n

A short pause before he went on:<\/p>\n

“But somehow I don\u2019t manage it in my own relationships. The girlfriend before this one left me for another man. That hurt like hell. And now this with Alisa. I probably failed to see the warning signs in both cases and didn\u2019t react in time.\u201d<\/p>\n

He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cCould it be that you\u2019re too nice?\u201d Alva asked gently.<\/p>\n

Ben lifted his head.
\n\u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat in relationships you always want to please everyone?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was silent for a while, thinking.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood question. I think it goes back to my childhood. I was so relieved that my mum had found a partner who treats her well. His younger daughter was quite difficult, but I got on really well with the older one straight away \u2013 and still do. The two of them used to fight quite a lot. I just wanted a good atmosphere, so I stepped in. It wasn\u2019t easy for anyone. And where is anything ever perfect?\u201d<\/p>\n

After a short pause, he continued speaking:<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mum never expected that of me \u2013 this being \u2018nice\u2019, as you call it. She always had my back. But I also saw what an arse my father was \u2013 and I just wanted her to be happy. That\u2019s why I was so glad when she met Markus. In a blended family, you have to fall into line. Maybe I did that a bit too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben fell silent for a moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019m following in my mother\u2019s footsteps here \u2013 she\u2019s always nice to everyone too.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\"Spuren<\/div>\n
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Old Patterns and New Paths<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Alva studied him closely.<\/p>\n

\u201cI find something you said earlier interesting: \u2018I probably didn\u2019t recognise the signs in either case and didn\u2019t counteract them in time.\u2019<\/em> But wouldn\u2019t it actually have been Alisa\u2019s responsibility to speak openly about the things that were bothering her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben thought for a moment.
\n\u201cProbably. But perhaps she wasn\u2019t able to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s difficult for many people,\u201d Alva replied. \u201cBut you can also choose the easy way out. If talking feels impossible, you can write a letter. Or ask someone for help. But ending a long-term relationship with a casual message saying, \u2018You probably see it the same way,\u2019<\/em> and then never getting in touch again \u2013 that\u2019s poor form. Of course, she can<\/em> do it that way. But the real question is: is that even the kind of person you want to be with?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben exhaled slowly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I listen to you like this, Alva \u2013 probably not. If it were a friend, I\u2019d immediately say: that\u2019s not on at all! But when it comes to myself, it somehow hasn\u2019t fully sunk in yet. Still, you\u2019re right. Phew. That\u2019s quite hard to take in. How do I practise this? I don\u2019t want to tread on people\u2019s toes \u2013 I prefer things to be easy and cheerful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI understand that \u2013 I like things cheerful too. But if the price is that only one person is constantly being considerate, while their own feelings are ignored, then it becomes one-sided. It depends on your level of suffering. When that becomes great enough, it can be a good motivator to change something in your behaviour, Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd how do I do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst of all: we all carry our little parcels with us \u2013 sometimes even whole packages. Experiences from our family home, from school, from our peer group, from society. We usually don\u2019t see these things in others. Many people aren\u2019t even aware of them themselves. And many maintain a fa\u00e7ade: looking fine on the outside. That\u2019s incredibly exhausting.”<\/p>\n

Alva twirled her glass of mulled wine before continuing:<\/p>\n

“The issues vary greatly. Many struggle with perfectionism and make life hard for themselves because of it. A well-known English neuroscientist, for example, still doesn\u2019t see herself as creative and even today feels inhibited about trying out anything creative. The reason lies in her father\u2019s response to her teacher\u2019s recommendation that she study English and drama: \u2018You will study medicine.\u2019<\/em> He, too, had his own conditioning: with a migrant background, you study something \u2018solid\u2019. To outsiders that may sound trivial \u2013 but for those affected, such words burn in deeply.\u201d<\/p>\n

Change Takes Time \u2013 About Old Patterns and New Paths<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Alva took a sip of mulled wine before continuing.<\/p>\n

\u201cChange is a learning process, and it takes time. And it isn\u2019t easy, because it involves changing the brain\u2019s neural pathways. Our brain doesn\u2019t like that at all \u2013 it prefers to save energy and stick to what is familiar. These patterns have often served us well for a long time. But at some point they no longer fit. \u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026 It\u2019s only when the level of suffering becomes great enough that we are ready to change something. How? Through practice. Start small. Create positive emotions so that the brain stays motivated. And through visualisation: what does it feel like when you\u2019re where you want to be? How does your body language change? How do you speak to yourself? To others? Do you have role models you can orient yourself by? And above all: is there someone you can practise with, Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHm, while you were speaking, I was thinking about my colleague Luna. She\u2019s really nice, I genuinely like her, but it annoys me that she never dares to try anything new and keeps asking me to do it for her. She always says, \u2018I can\u2019t do it as well as you,\u2019<\/em> \u2013 smiles sweetly \u2013 and then I just do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben thought for a moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, she could do it herself. I probably really am<\/em> too nice. I should just let her do it. I could practise with her \u2013 we get on really well, so it would probably be safe to start with, and I\u2019d have a positive sense of success.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben grinned.
\n\u201cI\u2019m a fast learner.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alva laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s exactly how it works. You may also need people who keep supporting you along the way, because you\u2019re trying to change neural connections in the brain that \u2013 I\u2019d estimate \u2013 have been in place for about three decades. That takes time and is intense. But it\u2019s worth it. We grow through it. These types of people will no longer challenge you in the same way in the future. And you\u2019re already on a good path: you probably already know the cause of your behaviour. That\u2019s half the battle.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben grinned.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think this was my last visit here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I certainly hope not,\u201d Alva smiled. \u201cNow, let\u2019s get cooking \u2013 our brains need nourishment. It\u2019s already quite late, and I need your help, my dears.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlva isn\u2019t just a wonderful mentor, she\u2019s also a brilliant cook. You really don\u2019t want to miss her food.\u201d<\/p>\n

Martha was already thinking about the meal as she walked briskly into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

At Christmas, Ben went home to his family. Shortly before New Year\u2019s Eve, he returned. In the meantime, Daniel had arrived with two friends from Scotland, and things became very musical with them. More friends joined, including Catalina. She took photos and made a video, which Daniel set to music. Catalina had the wonderful gift of capturing people \u2013 and animals \u2013 in special moments, and again and again they laughed over her photos and the video \u2013 and simply had a great time together.<\/p>\n

And once again, Martha took something with her from her time with Alva:<\/p>\n

Sometimes something new begins at the very moment you only wanted to arrive. Leaving limiting patterns behind and setting out on new paths. And never forget: lasting change takes time. Practice. And people by your side. \ud83d\ude42<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\"Roter<\/div>\n
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Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy New Year filled with inspiring encounters \u2013 and with the knowledge that together we can achieve so much. \u2013 Happy Holidays \ud83d\ude42<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\"Viele<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Did you enjoy my piece?<\/span><\/h4>\n

Then I\u2019d be delighted if you shared it \u2013 the classic way by email, on social media \u2013 everything is welcome. If you subscribe to my newsletter, you\u2019ll receive my posts automatically. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

Are you interested in personal development,<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u2022 but feeling a little overwhelmed and wishing for additional or deeper support?
\u2022 or noticing that you can\u2019t quite move forward on your own?<\/p>\n

Some topics are multifaceted and need a closer, more in-depth look. I\u2019d be happy to support you through coaching<\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Interested in a free introductory call<\/a><\/span>? I look forward to hearing from you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Sorry, this entry is only available in Deutsch. Ver\u00e4nderung braucht Zeit Eine Geschichte \u00fcber alte Muster und neue Wege Ver\u00e4nderung braucht Zeit – Eine Geschichte \u00fcber alte Muster und neue Wege:\u00a0Ver\u00e4nderung geschieht nicht immer laut. Oftmals beginnt sie leise – in\u00a0 Gespr\u00e4chen, in Momenten des Innehaltens, in Begegnungen, die uns tiefer ber\u00fchren als wir es … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “(Deutsch) Ver\u00e4nderung braucht Zeit – Eine Geschichte \u00fcber alte Muster und neue Wege”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,223,156],"tags":[30,36,49,220,148],"class_list":["post-7753","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-allgemein","category-blog","category-coaching-und-resilienz","tag-beziehungen","tag-denkweise","tag-persoenlichkeitsentwicklung","tag-verhaltensmuster","tag-weihnachten"],"yoast_head":"\n<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Ver\u00e4nderung braucht Zeit - Eine Geschichte \u00fcber alte Muster und neue Wege: Wenn es an der Zeit ist, unsere Geschichte neu zu schreiben.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/bettina-bonkas.com\/veraenderung-braucht-zeit-eine-geschichte-ueber-alte-muster-und-neue-wege.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"[:de]Ver\u00e4nderung braucht Zeit - 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