Change Takes Time
A story about old patterns and new paths
Change takes time – a story about old patterns and new paths:
Change does not always happen with a bang. More often, it begins quietly – in conversations, in moments of pause, in encounters that touch us more deeply than we expect. Old patterns develop over decades. They once protected us, gave us stability and direction. But at some point, they no longer fit the person we have become, and it is time for new paths – time to rewrite our story.
This story is about exactly such transformations. About imprints from childhood, unrecognised relationship patterns, the desire to please others – and about how difficult it can sometimes be to take one’s own place. And it tells of the fact that real change takes time: patience, honest conversations and the courage to take new steps.
I would like to introduce you to Ben – from my Martha & Alva series. Look forward to a continuation that shows:
Change takes time
A story about old patterns and new paths – by Bettina Bonkas
Martha was full of anticipation. It was time again – she was on her way to see Alva.
Had it really been three years since she had gone away on a spontaneous short trip back then? That was how she had met Alva, her hostess. 2022 was the year she separated from Björn after he had cheated on her. Deeply hurt and humiliated, she had arrived at Alva’s – and returned home strengthened and with a new friend.
Relationship-wise, 2023 had been quiet, but work had been all the more stressful. She quickly dismissed any thoughts of changing jobs; after all, the flat still had to be paid off. So many responsibilities – yet thanks to Alva she had learned to slow down again and again.
What was happening in the world and in Germany had not left Martha untouched: the wars, the growing loss of humanity in how people treated one another, and the economic situation. At times she felt powerless in the face of it all. All the more important, then, were her meetings with Alva – encounters that showed that connection was still possible. That conversations could change something. Perhaps not the world at large. But in small ways.
During the train journey, she kept looking out at the snow-covered landscape. Early winter had dusted everything with icing sugar – it all looked so peaceful. How beautiful the view from her room over the palace gardens would be. She was looking forward to her morning walks and had already arranged to meet Catalina – the photographer with that incredible sunshine energy she had met last year.
With only ten minutes’ delay, the train pulled into Frankfurt Central Station. Now she just had to take the S-Bahn to Bad Homburg. Martha was heading towards the suburban railway when she heard the announcement:
“Attention, attention: Due to a signal box fault, no S-Bahn services are running today. A rail replacement service is in operation.”
What?! This couldn’t be happening now: the train was on time, but public transport wasn’t. Deep breath. When Martha saw the crowds waiting for the replacement buses, it was clear: not an option. Another deep breath. These situations still stressed her out. Silly, really.
She followed the signs to the taxi rank. There was a queue there too, but at least it was manageable. Martha joined it. With half an ear she listened to the man in front of her giving the driver his destination. That was probably the last taxi for now. Damn.
Hadn’t he just said Bad Homburg?
She mustered all her courage and spoke to him.
“Excuse me, would you mind if I shared the taxi with you? I’m going to Bad Homburg as well – we could split the fare. It seems to be the last taxi for the moment.”
She was nervous. Speaking to strangers was really not her thing.
“Sure, jump in.” He smiled kindly.
They stowed their luggage and off they went.
“By the way, I’m Ben. And you?”
“Martha. Thanks again for letting me share the taxi with you. It’s complete chaos out there at the moment.”
“No problem at all. Yes, I noticed – but with all this luggage, the train wasn’t really an option for me anyway. I’ve just come back from a long business trip.”
They chatted away, and much sooner than expected they arrived at Alva’s B&B.
“So this is Alva’s legendary B&B. I’ve often wondered what the houses by the palace gardens look like inside. You’ll have to send me some photos. Have a lovely time in Bad Homburg.”
They said their goodbyes – and the very next moment Martha was standing in front of Alva.
Welcome back, my darling.
“Oh, it’s so, so wonderful to be back again.” The two women embraced warmly.
“Leave your luggage downstairs for now. Would you like your hot chocolate again, my darling?”
“Absolutely! Alva – you’re positively glowing. Is there any news?”
Alva smiled. “Yes, but I’ll tell you later. First – how are you? How was the journey?”
“The journey was relaxing. Not much has changed since the last time we spoke on the phone. But I can tell just by looking at you that you have news. Is it something to do with Daniel?”
Daniel was Alva’s partner from Scotland. He was a musician. At first, Alva had moved to be with him, but she missed Germany and her B&B. Together they found a solution: during his tours she would come back to Germany to run the B&B. And Christmas, of course, was always spent in Germany – she simply loved the Christmas markets far too much.
Alva beamed. “I’ve written a book.”
“No way! You never told me that.”
“When we spoke on the phone, I wasn’t even sure I’d finish it. I was completely stuck. But then suddenly I found my flow – and now it’s done.”
“Wow, that’s wonderful.”
“And the best part is: I’ll be giving a reading, and Daniel will accompany me with his music. I’m so happy.”
The doorbell rang.
“Probably the post,” said Alva, heading for the door. She didn’t come back alone.
“Ben?” Martha stared at him.
“Unplanned,” he grinned. “My heating’s broken. Then I remembered your Alva, and she – I’m so grateful – had a room for me. Now I finally get to see what the houses by the palace gardens look like inside. Very cosy!” Ben looked around the kitchen with an approving nod.
“Thank you,” Alva smiled.
“My dears – hot chocolate, or shall we go out into the palace gardens while it’s still light?” Alva looked at her guests questioningly.
“The park!” they both called out at the same time.
In the palace gardens, Ben started a snowball fight. To Martha’s horror – but soon she gathered her courage and, together with Alva, they gave him a proper drenching.
Frozen through but cheerful, they returned to the house.
“Mulled wine?”
“Alva’s mulled wine is legendary – a family recipe.”
Conversations by the Fire
A short while later, they were sitting by the fireplace, wrapped in blankets. Antonia, Alva’s cat, was purring on Ben’s lap.
“It feels good to be this carefree.” Yet Ben’s expression was serious.
Martha looked at Alva questioningly, but Alva made no move to ask anything. Trusting Alva’s unerring instinct for people, she too remained silent.
Perhaps it was the mulled wine that loosened Ben’s tongue – and the awareness that there were two people here who were listening to him. Really listening.
“My girlfriend broke up with me. Two weeks ago she sent me a message saying:
‘I think you see it the same way, but there’s no point in us anymore. We’ve grown apart. I’ve already cleared my things out of your flat. I left the key with Patrick. Take care.’”
“We were together for five years. No, I didn’t see it that way at all – I genuinely thought she was the woman I’d marry, maybe even have children with.”
Ben buried his face in his hands. Martha felt desperately sorry for him. But she couldn’t just stroke his back.
Alva could – and did.
“That hurts like hell.”
Ben looked up at her.
“Who does something like that? Couldn’t she at least have waited until I got back from New York? After five years together, didn’t I deserve to hear it face to face?”
He looked unbelievably hurt.
“Yes,” Alva replied. “You did deserve that. Anyone would. In situations like this, many people lack courage. And maturity.”
“At work, I feel secure. Sure, it’s stressful too, but I know how to handle that. In relationships, though, I’m insecure. My father left my mum. That was really hard for her, being alone with a small child. When she found a new partner, I was so happy for her. We became a really good blended family.”
A short pause before he went on:
“But somehow I don’t manage it in my own relationships. The girlfriend before this one left me for another man. That hurt like hell. And now this with Alisa. I probably failed to see the warning signs in both cases and didn’t react in time.”
He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.
“Could it be that you’re too nice?” Alva asked gently.
Ben lifted his head.
“What do you mean by that?”
“That in relationships you always want to please everyone?”
Ben was silent for a while, thinking.
“Good question. I think it goes back to my childhood. I was so relieved that my mum had found a partner who treats her well. His younger daughter was quite difficult, but I got on really well with the older one straight away – and still do. The two of them used to fight quite a lot. I just wanted a good atmosphere, so I stepped in. It wasn’t easy for anyone. And where is anything ever perfect?”
After a short pause, he continued speaking:
“My mum never expected that of me – this being ‘nice’, as you call it. She always had my back. But I also saw what an arse my father was – and I just wanted her to be happy. That’s why I was so glad when she met Markus. In a blended family, you have to fall into line. Maybe I did that a bit too much.”
Ben fell silent for a moment.
“I think I’m following in my mother’s footsteps here – she’s always nice to everyone too.”
Old Patterns and New Paths
Alva studied him closely.
“I find something you said earlier interesting: ‘I probably didn’t recognise the signs in either case and didn’t counteract them in time.’ But wouldn’t it actually have been Alisa’s responsibility to speak openly about the things that were bothering her?”
Ben thought for a moment.
“Probably. But perhaps she wasn’t able to.”
“That’s difficult for many people,” Alva replied. “But you can also choose the easy way out. If talking feels impossible, you can write a letter. Or ask someone for help. But ending a long-term relationship with a casual message saying, ‘You probably see it the same way,’ and then never getting in touch again – that’s poor form. Of course, she can do it that way. But the real question is: is that even the kind of person you want to be with?”
Ben exhaled slowly.
“When I listen to you like this, Alva – probably not. If it were a friend, I’d immediately say: that’s not on at all! But when it comes to myself, it somehow hasn’t fully sunk in yet. Still, you’re right. Phew. That’s quite hard to take in. How do I practise this? I don’t want to tread on people’s toes – I prefer things to be easy and cheerful.”
“I understand that – I like things cheerful too. But if the price is that only one person is constantly being considerate, while their own feelings are ignored, then it becomes one-sided. It depends on your level of suffering. When that becomes great enough, it can be a good motivator to change something in your behaviour, Ben.”
“And how do I do that?”
“First of all: we all carry our little parcels with us – sometimes even whole packages. Experiences from our family home, from school, from our peer group, from society. We usually don’t see these things in others. Many people aren’t even aware of them themselves. And many maintain a façade: looking fine on the outside. That’s incredibly exhausting.”
Alva twirled her glass of mulled wine before continuing:
“The issues vary greatly. Many struggle with perfectionism and make life hard for themselves because of it. A well-known English neuroscientist, for example, still doesn’t see herself as creative and even today feels inhibited about trying out anything creative. The reason lies in her father’s response to her teacher’s recommendation that she study English and drama: ‘You will study medicine.’ He, too, had his own conditioning: with a migrant background, you study something ‘solid’. To outsiders that may sound trivial – but for those affected, such words burn in deeply.”
Change Takes Time – About Old Patterns and New Paths
Alva took a sip of mulled wine before continuing.
“Change is a learning process, and it takes time. And it isn’t easy, because it involves changing the brain’s neural pathways. Our brain doesn’t like that at all – it prefers to save energy and stick to what is familiar. These patterns have often served us well for a long time. But at some point they no longer fit. …
… It’s only when the level of suffering becomes great enough that we are ready to change something. How? Through practice. Start small. Create positive emotions so that the brain stays motivated. And through visualisation: what does it feel like when you’re where you want to be? How does your body language change? How do you speak to yourself? To others? Do you have role models you can orient yourself by? And above all: is there someone you can practise with, Ben?”
“Hm, while you were speaking, I was thinking about my colleague Luna. She’s really nice, I genuinely like her, but it annoys me that she never dares to try anything new and keeps asking me to do it for her. She always says, ‘I can’t do it as well as you,’ – smiles sweetly – and then I just do it.”
Ben thought for a moment.
“Actually, she could do it herself. I probably really am too nice. I should just let her do it. I could practise with her – we get on really well, so it would probably be safe to start with, and I’d have a positive sense of success.”
Ben grinned.
“I’m a fast learner.”
Alva laughed.
“That’s exactly how it works. You may also need people who keep supporting you along the way, because you’re trying to change neural connections in the brain that – I’d estimate – have been in place for about three decades. That takes time and is intense. But it’s worth it. We grow through it. These types of people will no longer challenge you in the same way in the future. And you’re already on a good path: you probably already know the cause of your behaviour. That’s half the battle.”
Ben grinned.
“I don’t think this was my last visit here.”
“Well, I certainly hope not,” Alva smiled. “Now, let’s get cooking – our brains need nourishment. It’s already quite late, and I need your help, my dears.”
“Alva isn’t just a wonderful mentor, she’s also a brilliant cook. You really don’t want to miss her food.”
Martha was already thinking about the meal as she walked briskly into the kitchen.
At Christmas, Ben went home to his family. Shortly before New Year’s Eve, he returned. In the meantime, Daniel had arrived with two friends from Scotland, and things became very musical with them. More friends joined, including Catalina. She took photos and made a video, which Daniel set to music. Catalina had the wonderful gift of capturing people – and animals – in special moments, and again and again they laughed over her photos and the video – and simply had a great time together.
And once again, Martha took something with her from her time with Alva:
Sometimes something new begins at the very moment you only wanted to arrive. Leaving limiting patterns behind and setting out on new paths. And never forget: lasting change takes time. Practice. And people by your side. 🙂
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