Every step counts
Step by Step Towards Your Goal
Step by step – turn your goals into reality. Change doesn’t need the perfect moment – it needs a first step. And then another. What matters is taking small, manageable steps on the way to your goal, and filling them with positive experiences. That’s what keeps us going. Step by step towards your goal – every single step counts.
What to Expect in This Post
What does a car accident have to do with goals? And why do researchers say that we often stand in our own way – even when the will is there? In this post, you’ll find out what’s behind it all. You’ll get insights from research, a personal story – and practical tips to help you find your own way forward. Step by step.
Set the bar really low
According to behavioural scientist BJ Fogg it is crucial to set the bar really low if you want to be successful when developing new habits. “If you set the bar too high, you set yourself up to fail,” says Fogg. I read first about him in the Magazine Psychologies (issue February 2020). BJ Fogg is the director of the Stanford Behavior Design Lag, Mike Krieger, the co-founder of Instagram attended his boot camp of the same name. And he also points out that consistency matters as well as the emotion behind the habit. We’re more likely to develop new habits when we have positive associations with them, right?
♦ Consistency is key – sticking with something is essential if we want to reach our goals. And we’re far more likely to keep going if the experience is linked to something positive. I learned that first-hand a few years ago. – More on that below: how I overcame my fear after a car accident. ♦
When Goals Overlook the Unpredictable
Neuroscientist, entrepreneur and author Anne-Laure Le Cunff (Tiny Experiments: How to Live Freely in a Goal-Obsessed World) has explored the topic of goal-setting in depth. Traditional goal systems often assume that life is predictable. But it isn’t. That’s why we so often set goals that are too rigid or too ambitious – and it comes at a cost: instead of feeling motivated, we end up under pressure, overwhelmed, and even burnt out. What we need are more flexible and creative approaches that allow for both personal and professional growth – with space for curiosity and change.
Curiosity, Openness & Consistency: The Path to Success
Anne-Laure Le Cunff suggests turning goals into experiments. Start small, stay curious, and be willing to change direction. Success comes from doing and learning, from trying things out and sticking with them – not from rigidly reaching a predefined goal. This approach takes the pressure off and helps us keep going, even when the path ahead isn’t entirely clear. That’s how consistency develops – and from consistency, new habits emerge.
From my own experience: when we don’t cling rigidly to a goal, we stay alert and in flow. Our senses become more attuned, we respond more openly to whatever comes our way, and we’re able to take advantage of opportunities that appear along the journey. Success comes from doing – not from holding on to fixed plans.
For Le Cunff, motivation isn’t the key driver. What matters far more is having a system that still works when motivation is low. Routines help – like doing a bit of yoga in the morning, even on days when it feels like you’ve got nothing to give. The main thing is to keep going. That’s how solid habits form.
The Generation Effect
During her neuroscience training, Anne-Laure Le Cunff came across the so-called Generation Effect – a psychological phenomenon that shows we remember information better when we actively work it out for ourselves, rather than simply consuming it passively.
What I’d Like to Add from My Own Practice
From my work with clients, there are two things I’ve found especially important for pursuing goals in a sustainable way:
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We’re allowed to make mistakes – even to fail – and learn from it. The alternative? Doing nothing. And that means staying stuck.
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Let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s treat ourselves with the same compassion and encouragement we would offer others. That’s a powerful force for keeping going.
This second point is especially close to my heart – because I often see people giving up, not because they can’t do it, but because they’re their own harshest critic.
And now, a personal story:
Driving to England – How I Overcame My Fear After a Car Accident
A couple of years ago I got a grant from the EU for a training course in England. I’d been to England many times before but never had I driven myself. The course would be in August, so I started practising in April. Some years before I had had a car accident. I was badly concussed with a broken nose and a painful whiplash injury. I only remember that I made the police look for my then 5-year-old son who I thought was with me which he wasn’t, he was at a friend’s birthday party.
I woke up again in the ambulance and wanted to get out, I had to pick up my son, so I thought, and then woke up again in hospital because the treatment of my nose was rather painful. I had to stay in hospital for a couple of days. I’ve passed the scene of the accident many times, still no memories but for a long time an unpleasant feeling of anxiety stayed with me while driving.
Well, as mentioned above I had the chance to drive to England. My first trip in April was to take my family to our friends in Switzerland. I had never driven for such a long time before, I was completely exhausted when I arrived there after a 4 ½-hour drive. Our friends had prepared a wonderful barbecue for us. No food for me, I just went to bed, I felt slightly sick as I had been so tense.
About two months later I went to nearby Andernach with my family, only a 1 ½-hours drive from us, no big deal really. But for whatever reason I felt extremely anxious. Driving on the left lane, overtaking other cars, everything seemed so fast and the lanes so narrow. What if I caused an accident with my family in the car? I didn’t exactly panic but I was probably close.
The Moment Something Clicked in My Brain
My last chance to practise a longer distance drive would be in July, on our way back from the Black Forest. Again I was driving with my family. And again I was driving on the left lane when, all of a sudden, I thought: Why driving on the left lane, why putting yourself under pressure when you can drive on the right lane? Sure it’ll take longer to come home but so what?
♦ That was what I did and it took all the pressure from me. It felt like something had shifted in my mind. I was relaxed when I drove us home. I am a very performance-oriented person. Taking away the pressure off me did the trick, but it took some time to get there. ♦
Our big day had finally arrived. I would drive to England with my son, knowing that he would be an excellent navigator. I felt well prepared. We had planned a lot of extra time, so that we would arrive in Calais in good time for the ferry to Dover. That would give me the chance to have a break every 90 minutes. We enjoyed a relaxed drive through the Netherlands and Belgium, but as soon as we reached France, everything shifted abruptly.
Didn’t see the unexpected coming
All traffic was redirected by the police; we all had to leave the motorway, pass heavily armed soldiers, go around a roundabout, and then rejoin the motorway. There had been the most terrible terrorist attacks in France before, so the French didn’t take any risks. A huge traffic jam made any breaks impossible, coming closer to the port, all service stations were closed, so no break and no more buffer.
Still, I stayed calm and had faith that everything would go well. Once in Calais, we could get on a later ferry, and everything went well. We arrived at Twickenham, London in good time, stayed with friends there before we spent the day in London the following day – I drove into London by car! – and later a 2-hour journey to Cheltenham after an exhausting (but also interesting) car spotting tour with my son through London😊.
Had I known beforehand that the French border control would take so long and no chance to have a break, I would have been completely overwhelmed. But taking things as they came, I arrived in England tired but otherwise fine. After a 13 1/2-hour drive I deserved to be tired.
Apart from now driving mostly comfortably and yes, I’ve been to England again, in fact, I quite enjoy driving in England, I took away very valuable lessons, lessons for life.
What helped me:
- Take small, manageable steps
In my coaching training we called them baby steps. Most of our projects fail because we expect too much from ourselves. Driving to England mightn’t sound like a big deal for other people but it was for me, a very big one. Once I took the pressure away from me, I succeeded.
- My Own Cheerleader
Believing in myself – even when the inner voice sounded a bit weak. And being kind to myself, regardless of the outcome.
- Practice Makes Perfect
We need moments of success to keep going – and those come with practice.
- A question of perspective
Most of the time it is not the plan itself that causes stress but our accompanying thoughts. When I take a different, more detached perspective, I am aware that planning in extra time for breaks and driving slowly on the right lane keep my worries at bay. And, getting on a later ferry normally isn’t a problem.
⇒ Changing your perspective is something you have to practise, a bit like meditating, so that you manage to detach yourself from the actual situation that bothers you.
⇒ It’s our beliefs that shape how we label a situation. If we’re honest with ourselves, it doesn’t really matter whether we’re in the right lane on the motorway or speaking “perfect” English.
A quick journey into learning English
I often see that my language students put themselves under pressure by expecting too much from themselves. Especially my students who are, how I call them, my „gut feeling“ students. They have a feeling for the language but, like everybody else, they have bad days when they feel detached from their feeling for the language.
Tips for When You’re Having a Bad English Day
⇒ I then recommend to speak simple English, German, or whatever. Short sentences, direct speech opposed to indirect speech. When you then speak in a nice flow, nobody notices that you’re having a „bad language“ day. Remember, it’s your accompanying, judgemental thoughts which put unnecessary strain on the situation. Because, who really cares if you have a „bad language“ day or drive slowly on the right (respectively left) lane as long as you don’t block anybody?
⇒ It’s your personality which counts, that’s something I learned in a beautiful way in the UK. Mistakes don’t matter, but my personality, being friendly, does. Don’t make the mistakes some natives speakers of English I’ve met in Germany do by being super perfect and thus losing your beautiful British lightness and humour for which we love you😊.
And don’t put on shoes which don’t fit you, it’s not one size fits all. Put on the shoes in your size and then start walking. Step by step at your pace.
Summary
Performance orientation isn’t inherently a bad thing; it can actually be a great driving force. But when it becomes overly rigid or stubborn, that’s when problems arise.
Let’s give ourselves positive encouragement by allowing manageable steps, keeping the joy of learning and our curiosity alive, staying consistent with practice, and regularly shifting our perspective. And very importantly: let’s treat ourselves with kindness and support. Be your own biggest cheerleader.
By doing this, we give ourselves the chance to reach our goals more relaxed — and perhaps even more successfully.
Step by step towards your goal.
Are you interested in this topic,
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but feeling a bit overwhelmed and wishing for additional or deeper support?
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noticing that you can’t make progress on your own?
→ Then my coaching might be just what you need. Some issues are more complex and require a closer, more intensive look. Feel free to book a free introductory session.
Interested? I’d love to hear from you.
By the way, if you click on English in the menu above, you can read this post in English.
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